11/16/2008 09:56:00 AM


Assalamu alaikum,

My life is such a roller coaster of emotion, sometimes I find it so hard to sort out which way is up and which is down. Sometimes I feel like I am slipping back into a depression, but other days I feel fine emotionally, although I always feel overwhelmed. I wonder if I am cut out for this whole 'family' thing, but I suppose it is too late to wonder that. Marriage itself is so challenging for me. I am not the greatest house-wife, (I'm sorry, 'HOME MAKER') for so many reasons, and I know that I am failing miserably in that department. As far as parenting goes, well that is something that I just cannot seem to get right.

But enough with that rant.

Here is an update of what has been going on in my life:

Ma went to New York in October for a month. She came back on November 7th and stayed for a weekend, and then left for Los Angeles. She will be back on the 24th and that fact is something that I am dreading. The weekend that she was home, I spent in an angry, depressed fog. I don't know why, but I just cannot seem to deal with this situation. When she comes back from LA, she might stay for 2 months longer, and I am not quite sure if I can deal with that without having a melt down. Maybe I sound like a huge whiner and you all are thinking that I should just suck it up and deal with it. Well, I have been telling myself that everyday, but I am still terrified of how things are going to go when she returns. I am an incredibly sensitive person and I have a hard time dealing with the outside world, except on my own terms. My home is my sanctuary, and I use it to recuperate from anything on the outside that causes me distress. Sometimes I go a month without talking to my friends and I just stay inside my shell, which is mainly because I suffer from depression that seems to cycle back around every year at least once. Alhamdulliah, I have good friends who are understanding during my down times. But this person, staying in my home, invading my space, my only space that is my own, it is too much for me to handle. On top of that, she is constantly insulting my intelligence, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Plus, it is putting a huge strain on my marriage. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I want to stay at my mom's house for the rest of the time she is here, but that will make her and my husband's whole family hate me. AAARRRGGG!

Well, now that you guys have heard me complain, complain, complain, here is that good news. Z started walking a few days ago!!! She is still pretty scared and only likes to do it if a person is on the receiving end of her adventure, but she can make it some pretty long distances without falling. I am so proud of her, masha'Allah. She will be turning 1 in a month, I cannot believe it! She is so amazing in every way. A is talking non-stop now, and has recently discovered an overwhelming love for 'Finding Nemo.' I don't let her watch much TV, only a few specific cartoons, such as Curious George and other PBS shows that I think are educational and fun, without any content that I take exception to. 'Finding Nemo' is one of the only Disney movies that I find appropriate, mostly because there is no gender distinctions, besides the sound of their voices. I hate that children's movies always have these beautiful women, dressed very provocatively and acting 'sexy.' I actually watched Aladdin a few days ago, and that was a disturbing experience. Those girls are wearing see-through clothing, including see-through niqabs! In one scene the girls are actually rubbing up on Aladdin! Why is that necessary in a children's film???!!!! Well, that is why I am so particular about anything that she watches. But I am kinda glad she started liking this movie, because it is my favorite.

It is getting cold in MN. We have had a few snows already, although I am still waiting for the first heavy blizzard so I can take A outside to play. I really want to go sledding this year. I think A would love it!!!! Plus I want to see my husband's face when he goes down a big hill! He is terrified of things like that, but if he sees his daughter doing it, then I will be able to talk him into it. I usually dread winter, but for some reason, this year, I am actually excited about it. The cold isn't bothering me, it is about 28 degrees today. Hopefully I will feel this way about winter every year.
So that is about it. Gotta go now.


11/09/2008 11:41:00 PM

Assalamu Alaikum,

It has been a while since I have updated what has been happening in my life. Things have been a little stressful, but pretty uneventful. I have been feeling very emotional lately and that has been affecting my relationships with people around me, including people here on this blog.

Musaafir, I am sorry if I sounded rude and unappreciative of your comments. In all honesty I have been feeling very defensive about my support of Obama and I have also been feeling very conflicted about my role as an 'American.' I have been listening to my very cynical husband for 3 years telling me that this country is going to descend into chaos and that we will have to flee, and he was especially stressing that this would be more possible if McCain was elected. Now, I don't exactly agree with him about all of this, I mean, it is always a possibility, but no one knows except Allah. But we must always be prepared for the worst and I have spent a lot of my time worried about my children's future and what it would be like to grow up here, especially with the growing hatred towards Muslims. My expression of my excitement about the election of Obama is mostly the feeling that 52% of this country looked past a name and a face and elected some one who is a very unconventional candidate for President. Someone who almost one in four Texans believe is a Muslim. One must admit that in itself is amazing. And whatever his policies, he is better than McCain. Anyways, maybe that still doesn't justify it to you or anybody else, but the truth is, that is just how I feel. Man, I can't tell if what I am writing sounds rude or not, but please believe me, that is not my intention, and if so, please forgive me if I offend you.

Dear Umm Travis,
JazakumAllah for reading my blog. I am sooo sorry that I haven't been writing lately, I guess I have been internalizing a lot of things and I am having a hard time getting them on to paper (or screen LOL). But I am hoping that things will get easier for me insha'Allah, so please bear with me while I figure this out.

JazakumAllah Khayran

11/06/2008 06:36:00 PM


I just want to take some time to say how happy I am about Obama's win. I feel like maybe my children will have some chance for a good future in this country if this is where we decide to stay. That is all I want to say.