This is not cool!

I am feeling so abandoned! There is so much to do, and I cannot seem to get anything done. Today I was getting sooo frustrated with the girls. A was being so rebellious and she woke Z from her nap by sneaking into the room, standing next to the crib and screaming at the top of her lungs. I was so angry! This morning was not so fun. Z woke up extra early today, and I tried to get her to go back to sleep with me, but she was so wound up, plus Sakeena was in such a playful mood that it was practically impossible to sleep. 2 1/2 hours later, she was finally ready to sleep and the instant I put her in the crib, A woke up. About 30 minutes later, A woke up Z! I think I was just agitated from the stress of current events, and that is making it really hard to cope with being alone with girls. I will be so relieved when my husband returns, insha'Allah.

Onto other things. I found a journal of mine from 2000-2001. Keep in mind when I talk about this, I am only 22. This journal is from when I was 14 and 15 years old. That time in my life was so chaotic, and reading my thoughts was like being in the Twilight Zone. I was such a small child, and reading the things I wrote made me so sad. For instance, here is an entry:

-I feel HOPELESS. I feel HELPLESS. Like nobody is listening to what I am saying and nobody cares if I cry. I feel I am being punished for a crime I never committed and that even though I am devoting all of my time into sobriety, nothing is coming out of all this hard work. Now my only wish is to GET WHERE I'M GOING AND STAY THERE. For the past three years I have been juggled all over the place. Now all I want to do is stay clean and sober and find a place where I am loved, a HOME. There is this constant empty space where my FAMILY should be. -

There is much more that really disturbed me, but I guess maybe it is just a little too personal. But basically, I was a very troubled teenager, and my parents were going through an extremely messy divorce. I ended up in treatment, group homes, and eventually foster homes. One part of another entry really stuck out. I was writing about how I really wanted to live with my aunt, and I wrote:

-Why can't I stay with her? I know we'd have rough spots, but then again everybody has them. We'd always work through them. I PROMISE.-

I was so desperate and devastated that I was promising my journal. I was lacking parental guidance and love so much. Reading this journal stirred up a lot of feelings about my parents. When I start to think about the things that happened to me, I feel so angry. I cannot believe that a parent would be able to do that to their child! I thought that I had made amends with past, but lately I feel like a great injustice was done to me and I have been wondering if it might be the reason that I am so messed up now. Who knows. I just don't know how to work through all of this animosity.

You know, I feel I am still searching for a home...

All Alone :(

My husband is gone! Well, at least for a couple of weeks. He went to Kentucky for his work. It was really interesting and enjoyable to see him so excited this afternoon while we were on our way to the airport. He looked like a little boy, so innocently happy.
My mother-in-law is coming on Monday from Bangladesh for the first time. She has never left Bangladesh, and has definitely never flown on a plane before. Also she does not speak very much English. You are probably wondering why my husband went to Kentucky when his mother (who he has not seen in 3 years) is coming. Well, he said it is a once in a lifetime opportunity. At first, I was very angry. But then I realized that I couldn't control what he chooses to do, and that I would have to learn to handle some things on my own. I guess that I am trying to be positive so that I can prove to myself and him that I can handle stressful situations. See, I am easily upset. I have to have everything go a certain way. I love routine and plans, and when things change, or if they get slightly difficult, I tend to 'freak out.' Well, I am going to try very hard to be as calm as I can be. I am hoping that my girls will help to diffuse the situation by creating an instant bond between us. I guess I am just wondering what we are going to do for an entire week by ourselves. I feel like it is going to be so awkward. But my husband assures me that without him there to be our 'buffer', we will work things out by ourselves and that will be better for us in the long run. I certainly hope so, because she is staying for at least 6 months, maybe even one year.
I must admit that I am slightly confused at why my hubby would want to leave at this time. I would be so excited to see my mommy! It seems so selfish and immature. (I told him that I feel this way) But to each his own, I guess.
I think I am super nervous, and there is still so much to do around the house to prepare for her arrival. We have been trying to get things done, but unfortunately, my husband and I are both procrastinators. There are many things that I will have to skip in order to complete absolutely necessary things in time. That seems to be the norm around here. It is a huge frustration. I cannot seem to accomplish anything, and if I do, it is usually last minute, and is not as thorough as it should be. Oh, well. Too late now.
Some good news: Z clapped for the first time this week! She is so cute, masha'Allah. She tries to put her tiny hands up above her head, but her chubby upper arms (and body in general) inhibit her a bit. But she reaches as high as she can and triumphantly thrusts her hands together, one going right past the other, missing every other time. I love that munchkin so much. Since I started her on formula, her personality really shines, and I have finally been able to form a deep bond with her. I think the stress of almost constant crying really inhibited my ability to truly bond with her. Alhamdulillah, now I feel so happy!!!

And with that...

Salam

Milestones

Masha'Allah, my babies are growing so fast!

My oldest daughter, A, turns 22 months today. I cannot believe that she will be 2 years old soon! My youngest, Z, will be eight months old next week! In her first 2 months of life, she gained a lot of weight and looked very chubby, masha'Allah. But slowly (or rather quickly maybe) she started shriveling away in front of my eyes. I could not figure out what was wrong with her. She was eating so much, and yet she was crying all of the time. Those months of my life were some of the worst. Finally, I took her to see a different Pediatrician, who asked me a few simple questions, and as she asked them, the wheels started turning in my head. I realized what was going on. Then she said it. "Well it seems to me that your milk has dried up." And suddenly it seemed so obvious, I couldn't believe that I had not figured it out myself. She had been eating so much solid food to make up for the lack of breast milk. She had been eating pureed vegetables and fruits, cereal, and yogurt. I guess that her tiny and immature digestive system couldn't process the nutrients in that food, and so she was eating enough to maintain her weight, but not enough to grow any. At that doctors visit she was 6 months old and she only weighed 10 lbs. (She was 7 lbs, 4 oz at birth) I was horrified that I could let this happen to my sweet, sweet girl. What kind of mother was I? The doctor assured me that it wasn't my fault and that Z's suck wasn't strong enough to stimulate production. And it is true. Z would get very frustrated while breastfeeding. She would latch on, then as soon as the gush of the let-down would subside, she would stop sucking and cry. I guess she thought she was too much of a princess to work for her food. :) Well I started her on formula, much to my dismay, and she gained 3 lbs in two weeks! Alhamdulillah!!!!! Now she is so chubby and adorable! During those months of 'starvation' her development was basically on hold. She wasn't verbalizing other then crying, and she could barely roll over. Since formula, she is sitting up, crawling, pulling herself up to standing, and she is beginning to cruise around furniture. She calls me "mama", and she also says "Baba." She is always smiling and laughing, (although she still wants to be held all of the time) and I feel like walking is not so far away! It is so amazing.

Alhamdulillah for the beautiful girls in my life. May Allah allow me to raise them to be good muslimahs, so that they can in turn raise good muslimahs. Ameen.

Salam

Strange Daze

Today was an interesting day. The greatest thing happened: I got a kitty. She is half Siamese and half Manx. She is 13 weeks old and quite possibly the cutest thing ever. Her name is, get this, Sakeena. I felt it appropriate, given my newly found blog and the journey that it represents. And the name fits her completely. She is so calm, and she does not stop purring. I loved her instantly.

Onto more disturbing things. After returning from picking up the cat, I left my brother with my girls to go get some supplies for Sakeena. I accidentally left the lights on in my car, and when I went to go start it, well, naturally, it was dead. One of my neighbors happened to be heading inside, and so I asked him if he could jump my car. He replied "I don't have any jumper cables." I said, "I have some in the trunk of my car." He stared at me, trying to find another excuse why he couldn't help me, but he came up blank, so he just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. I was so angry that I slammed my car door, and proclaimed, "That was really nice of you." I marched upstairs, trying to hold back tears. I called my mother and the first thing she said was, "Do you think it was because you are Muslim?" "Well, that is exactly what I was thinking," I replied. And it was. I felt really insulted. I needed help, and that man couldn't look past his prejudice to do something nice for another human being?! And I LIVE next to someone like that? Alhamdulillah, my mother assured me that my Step-father would come over to help me, so that was nice.

Once my car was up and running, I went to Target, where I proceeded to stub my pinkie toe. I didn't bother looking at it until something red caught my eye in the checkout line. I looked down and saw a lot of blood. Everything is okay though, alhamdulillah.

So I left, and while I was waiting at a traffic light, jammin' to some nasheeds, I felt like someone was watching me. Usually I try not to let my eyes wander to the surrounding cars, because people are usually staring at me, and I want to avoid confrontation. For some reason I felt a strong urge to turn my head, and what do I see? Some guy in the car next to me was taking a picture of me with his cell phone! When he saw me, he quickly turned his head and looked down. I could see that he was trying to hold back laughter. I rolled down my window, and asked "Sir, What are you doing?" He ignored me and continued to look down, half of his face hidden beneath his door. I repeated, "Sir?" several times, but he never acknowledged me. I was tempted to roll my window up, but instead, I decided to make him feel more embarrassed and sat and stared at him with a prominent smirk on my face until the light turned green and he drove off as fast as he could.

I wonder, who is he going to show the picture/s to? Why was he doing that? I can't be the first hijabi that he has seen. Also, that makes me wonder: How many people have taken my picture? As I said, I never look around, so really I have no way of knowing if this has ever happened before. hmmm...

Well, that was my day. Love to say more, but Z just woke up.

Salam

Here goes nothing!

Assalamu alaikum.

So this is my attempt to join this world of bloggers, but I really have no idea what I am doing or what I have to say. I only know that something in my heart is telling me that this could be beneficial and even therapeutic for me, so I am going to surrender myself to it.
First let me start by saying that I am a revert to Islam (4 years now) alhamdulliah. I have been married for three years to a man from Bangladesh and we have two wonderful girls that are 14 months apart and both under 2. I am finding that as much as I yearned to have children, I am so much of a child myself that I fear that I am doing irreversible damage to my sweet babies. Maybe I am too hard on myself, but this is what I feel in my heart. I have a temper and I am very stubborn, Allah forgive me. I find it very hard to control myself and I give in to so many urges and it has become a great cause for concern.
I feel so strange writing all of this. When I was younger, I used to keep very extensive journals, and they were my prized possessions. I loved those journals so much and, looking back, it may have been because they served as an element of order in a world full of chaos. Well, it has been a number of years since I have written anything. I have greatly desired to take up writing again, but I would just sit and stare, empty thoughts, or maybe too many thoughts, but nonetheless, they never translated on to the page.
Well, now I feel inspired, but I must admit, those journals that I kept would never have been public domain. But here I am, letting you in, hoping for something, someone to help me sort out this mess that I am in. I need peace. Allah knows that I have tried to find peace in my heart, but to no avail. My main problem is iman. I am severely lacking in that department. I feel my heart breaking when I say this, but with everything that has happened to me lately, I am feeling ungrateful. That is so horrible, Allah forgive me. I will go into more detail about my current events in a later post, insha'Allah.
Blah, blah, blah.... Bottom line is: I need help. I need Allah's help, I need to help myself, etc.

Whatever this blog brings into my life, insha'Allah, I hope it helps me become a better person.

Until next time,
Salam