11/16/2008 09:56:00 AM


Assalamu alaikum,

My life is such a roller coaster of emotion, sometimes I find it so hard to sort out which way is up and which is down. Sometimes I feel like I am slipping back into a depression, but other days I feel fine emotionally, although I always feel overwhelmed. I wonder if I am cut out for this whole 'family' thing, but I suppose it is too late to wonder that. Marriage itself is so challenging for me. I am not the greatest house-wife, (I'm sorry, 'HOME MAKER') for so many reasons, and I know that I am failing miserably in that department. As far as parenting goes, well that is something that I just cannot seem to get right.

But enough with that rant.

Here is an update of what has been going on in my life:

Ma went to New York in October for a month. She came back on November 7th and stayed for a weekend, and then left for Los Angeles. She will be back on the 24th and that fact is something that I am dreading. The weekend that she was home, I spent in an angry, depressed fog. I don't know why, but I just cannot seem to deal with this situation. When she comes back from LA, she might stay for 2 months longer, and I am not quite sure if I can deal with that without having a melt down. Maybe I sound like a huge whiner and you all are thinking that I should just suck it up and deal with it. Well, I have been telling myself that everyday, but I am still terrified of how things are going to go when she returns. I am an incredibly sensitive person and I have a hard time dealing with the outside world, except on my own terms. My home is my sanctuary, and I use it to recuperate from anything on the outside that causes me distress. Sometimes I go a month without talking to my friends and I just stay inside my shell, which is mainly because I suffer from depression that seems to cycle back around every year at least once. Alhamdulliah, I have good friends who are understanding during my down times. But this person, staying in my home, invading my space, my only space that is my own, it is too much for me to handle. On top of that, she is constantly insulting my intelligence, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Plus, it is putting a huge strain on my marriage. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I want to stay at my mom's house for the rest of the time she is here, but that will make her and my husband's whole family hate me. AAARRRGGG!

Well, now that you guys have heard me complain, complain, complain, here is that good news. Z started walking a few days ago!!! She is still pretty scared and only likes to do it if a person is on the receiving end of her adventure, but she can make it some pretty long distances without falling. I am so proud of her, masha'Allah. She will be turning 1 in a month, I cannot believe it! She is so amazing in every way. A is talking non-stop now, and has recently discovered an overwhelming love for 'Finding Nemo.' I don't let her watch much TV, only a few specific cartoons, such as Curious George and other PBS shows that I think are educational and fun, without any content that I take exception to. 'Finding Nemo' is one of the only Disney movies that I find appropriate, mostly because there is no gender distinctions, besides the sound of their voices. I hate that children's movies always have these beautiful women, dressed very provocatively and acting 'sexy.' I actually watched Aladdin a few days ago, and that was a disturbing experience. Those girls are wearing see-through clothing, including see-through niqabs! In one scene the girls are actually rubbing up on Aladdin! Why is that necessary in a children's film???!!!! Well, that is why I am so particular about anything that she watches. But I am kinda glad she started liking this movie, because it is my favorite.

It is getting cold in MN. We have had a few snows already, although I am still waiting for the first heavy blizzard so I can take A outside to play. I really want to go sledding this year. I think A would love it!!!! Plus I want to see my husband's face when he goes down a big hill! He is terrified of things like that, but if he sees his daughter doing it, then I will be able to talk him into it. I usually dread winter, but for some reason, this year, I am actually excited about it. The cold isn't bothering me, it is about 28 degrees today. Hopefully I will feel this way about winter every year.
So that is about it. Gotta go now.



Anonymous said...

I am sooooooo with you on the mil thing. I know how your home is to you and I can't imagine how you've made it this far. I'm proud of you for doing it and I hope inshAllah that it goes easily and quickly for you until she goes back.

So much of what you said about being a housewife and married is something I feel occasionally as well.

WTH am I doing? I can't be a wife! I'm barely a grown-up!!!


I so can't believe Z is almost one... and WALKING! Last time I saw her she was just a little buddling. MashAllah. I can't wait to see you guys. No idea on when I'm coming home, inshAllah next summer.