8/03/2008 12:36:00 AM

Here goes nothing!

Assalamu alaikum.

So this is my attempt to join this world of bloggers, but I really have no idea what I am doing or what I have to say. I only know that something in my heart is telling me that this could be beneficial and even therapeutic for me, so I am going to surrender myself to it.
First let me start by saying that I am a revert to Islam (4 years now) alhamdulliah. I have been married for three years to a man from Bangladesh and we have two wonderful girls that are 14 months apart and both under 2. I am finding that as much as I yearned to have children, I am so much of a child myself that I fear that I am doing irreversible damage to my sweet babies. Maybe I am too hard on myself, but this is what I feel in my heart. I have a temper and I am very stubborn, Allah forgive me. I find it very hard to control myself and I give in to so many urges and it has become a great cause for concern.
I feel so strange writing all of this. When I was younger, I used to keep very extensive journals, and they were my prized possessions. I loved those journals so much and, looking back, it may have been because they served as an element of order in a world full of chaos. Well, it has been a number of years since I have written anything. I have greatly desired to take up writing again, but I would just sit and stare, empty thoughts, or maybe too many thoughts, but nonetheless, they never translated on to the page.
Well, now I feel inspired, but I must admit, those journals that I kept would never have been public domain. But here I am, letting you in, hoping for something, someone to help me sort out this mess that I am in. I need peace. Allah knows that I have tried to find peace in my heart, but to no avail. My main problem is iman. I am severely lacking in that department. I feel my heart breaking when I say this, but with everything that has happened to me lately, I am feeling ungrateful. That is so horrible, Allah forgive me. I will go into more detail about my current events in a later post, insha'Allah.
Blah, blah, blah.... Bottom line is: I need help. I need Allah's help, I need to help myself, etc.

Whatever this blog brings into my life, insha'Allah, I hope it helps me become a better person.

Until next time,
Salam

3 comments:

Unknown said...

Salaamu alaikum, hababti.

I am surprised and happy to see you here. I pray that writing will be beneficial and theraputic for you - I think it will, inshaAllah. I believe in you and your ability to shine. You are a wonderful mother and those little girls love you unconditionally and infinitely mashaAllah. I am awed that I found a person in this world so much like me. Alhamdulileh for that - and subhanAllah! You are such a comfort to me. And I miss you!
As always, your loyal friend, keeping you in my duas,
Umm Yehiya

Anonymous said...

aww honey, I don't think you need to worry about the girls. A is one of the brightest and bubbliest little girls I've ever had the blessing to hold and love on. And while I didn't get much of a chance to see Z I'm sure she is following in her big sis' footsteps. I wanted to see you before I left but I was sure you had already moved back up north. I was very sad. InshAllah I'm not going to be gone as long as I originally thought. Just keep us in your du'a about the quickness of the embassy filing. And yes of course we'll stay in touch inshAllah. Are you in the cities or up north still??
I'm so glad you're blogging, I know its helped me a lot in many ways.
I'm looking forward to future posts, especially to get updates on your family. Did your sis have the baby yet? etc.
I miss you so much, and I have to say that while all of us internally battle with what we feel is a lack of iman, you always radiated a love of Allah and in this the love that Allah has for you.
Stay strong heartsister. :)

Aayesha said...

MCM- So nice to hear from you! When are you returning from Egypt? Thank you so much for the words of support. It means a lot. Yes, I do live up north, but we are planning on moving back to the city next year. We would like to buy a house. Yes, my sis had her baby! A happy, healthy baby boy, Alhamdulillah! Please keep us in your dua'a. I will do the same for you.