I am feeling so abandoned! There is so much to do, and I cannot seem to get anything done. Today I was getting sooo frustrated with the girls. A was being so rebellious and she woke Z from her nap by sneaking into the room, standing next to the crib and screaming at the top of her lungs. I was so angry! This morning was not so fun. Z woke up extra early today, and I tried to get her to go back to sleep with me, but she was so wound up, plus Sakeena was in such a playful mood that it was practically impossible to sleep. 2 1/2 hours later, she was finally ready to sleep and the instant I put her in the crib, A woke up. About 30 minutes later, A woke up Z! I think I was just agitated from the stress of current events, and that is making it really hard to cope with being alone with girls. I will be so relieved when my husband returns, insha'Allah.
Onto other things. I found a journal of mine from 2000-2001. Keep in mind when I talk about this, I am only 22. This journal is from when I was 14 and 15 years old. That time in my life was so chaotic, and reading my thoughts was like being in the Twilight Zone. I was such a small child, and reading the things I wrote made me so sad. For instance, here is an entry:
-I feel HOPELESS. I feel HELPLESS. Like nobody is listening to what I am saying and nobody cares if I cry. I feel I am being punished for a crime I never committed and that even though I am devoting all of my time into sobriety, nothing is coming out of all this hard work. Now my only wish is to GET WHERE I'M GOING AND STAY THERE. For the past three years I have been juggled all over the place. Now all I want to do is stay clean and sober and find a place where I am loved, a HOME. There is this constant empty space where my FAMILY should be. -
There is much more that really disturbed me, but I guess maybe it is just a little too personal. But basically, I was a very troubled teenager, and my parents were going through an extremely messy divorce. I ended up in treatment, group homes, and eventually foster homes. One part of another entry really stuck out. I was writing about how I really wanted to live with my aunt, and I wrote:
-Why can't I stay with her? I know we'd have rough spots, but then again everybody has them. We'd always work through them. I PROMISE.-
I was so desperate and devastated that I was promising my journal. I was lacking parental guidance and love so much. Reading this journal stirred up a lot of feelings about my parents. When I start to think about the things that happened to me, I feel so angry. I cannot believe that a parent would be able to do that to their child! I thought that I had made amends with past, but lately I feel like a great injustice was done to me and I have been wondering if it might be the reason that I am so messed up now. Who knows. I just don't know how to work through all of this animosity.
You know, I feel I am still searching for a home...
16 years ago
3 comments:
Asalaam alaikum sister,
Do you think maybe talking to a therapist would help? I'm not trying to be rude, but sometimes that can really help with feelings you need to work on.
A tip from me for getting stuff done around the house... I have to make a list. I find it extremely useful. I will feel so overwhelmed at all the stuff that needs to get done and can't pick which one to start with, and then can't seem to do anything. But when I list it all out it doesn't feel like so much and I feel good crossing each thing off as I go. Just a suggestion hopefully it helps.
Take care of yourself sis.
Wa alaikum salam! Thank you so much for your advice. Actually seeing a therapist is what I need to do, and what I have been meaning to do. I got very bad post-partdum deppression after Z was born, but alhamdulillah, I don't feel that bad anymore. I am just starting to realize that I don't really like the person that I have become.
About the lists: Great idea! I think that would really help me. I do thrive off of routine and order, although I have a hard time creating it. Maybe that would be a nice way to kick start my 'big change.'
JazakumAllah Khayran sister.
as salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah sister. here is a video clip for you, http://ilmcast.com/desert-rose-7.htm
plz watch to thend. the whole thing is captivatiing. But the last words are greatly helpful. but don go to the end frist though. then you r not gonna benefit from it the same way.
may Allah grant you the sakeena, the home you are searching for. wa as salamu alaykum.
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